By Popular Demand...

Here it is, folks, episode two of Greg's great adventures. Enjoy

Greg Levine's
The Life And Times of John Smith
By Greg Levine and Matt Hill

Bang!
John Smith was shot by a dark-looking man. The shot did two things. First, it made John drop his coffee cup, which fell to the ground and spilled John’s mocha blend all over the place. Second, it very effectively ended John's life. However, he wasn't very important, so we won't mention him again, except to say his only mistake was to get in the dark-looking man's way.
As an aside, I'd just like to say, never get in a dark man's way. By dark man, I'm not referring to the color of his skin. I mean that if some guy is standing in shadows, and talking all creepily, and holding a gun (especially an automatic rifle), don't get in his way.
His evil deed done, the dark man turned from the corpse, and looked through binoculars at the cave entrance just over the hill.

Then the theme song began.

Greg Levine, P.I. was running. Not for president, or any other public office, although the thought had crossed his mind. No, today he was running for more pressing reasons. He was running from a large, heavy stone, or more accurately a boulder, whose name happened to be Matt. Being a boulder, Matt was rather short on words, and was rather content to chase Greg through the tunnels of this ancient temple in Greenland, a temple of destruction, but not quite doom. Matt didn't know exactly why he was chasing Greg. Being a boulder, Matt wasn't on the gifted side when it came to thinking, but he could roll like there was no tomorrow, and if there was a tomorrow, he would roll right through it.
Greg, on the other hand, did have some idea as to why Matt was chasing him. He was pretty sure it had nothing to do with Ella, the beautiful blonde in a skimpy archaeologist’s outfit, whom Greg held with his left hand. No, it was probably more closely related to the plush bear in his right hand. The bear was an ancient relic, and Greg had disturbed its rest when he stole it. Those kinds of things are usually punished with boulders chasing you.
Greg quickly wondered why the theme song still hadn't stopped, but had no time to waste as he jumped over a log in his path. The boulder, rather rudely, rolled right through said log. This was not a high point in the log's day. The log was now thoroughly mad, and ready to sit there and trip the next person who walked by. But we won't bother to talk about it, because Greg, Ella, Matt, and the plush bear, were running, or rolling, or being carried, as the case may be, in the opposite direction of the log.
Greg had to get away from this large boulder before they made a personal, physical meeting, one which would have been at least a little unpleasant for Greg. Luckily, a fork appeared in the road ahead. Knowing that boulders rarely travel uphill, Greg ran uphill. The boulder, persistent in its chasing, followed him. Matt refused to obey any laws on principle, and wasn't about to start paying attention to the laws of gravity.
The boulder was then quite surprised to find that some how, it had been tricked!
Greg wasn't in the uphill tunnel at all. Being of a slower wit than movement, the boulder did not realize this until it had rolled out of a sheer cliff face, and fallen to its near certain demise.
Greg also had no idea what he was doing in the downhill tunnel, but he was relieved that there wasn't a boulder chasing him, and also glad the theme song had finally ended. Greg figured that plot holes beat death any day. So, relieved and a little tired, he and Ella slowed to a nice, romantic, and very sensual, walk towards the exit.

Greg and Ella exited the cave, and saw the lush beauty of Greenland, or the lack thereof. For some unexplained reason, Greg fell into another plot hole, but quickly reappeared. He was then greeted by an overjoyed Dr. Leo. He was excited about what Greg had in his hand. While Ella did do her share of exciting Leo, now his attention was focused on the plush bear Greg was carrying.
"Why," he exclaimed, "You've recovered the Stuffed Polar Bear of the Ages! Finally, I can have a purpose to my life!"
But Greg was reluctant to give him his prize. "Where's my money?" he asked.
Just then, a dark man the one who killed John Smith earlier, floated over to them. The dark man didn't like to obey the laws, much less the law of gravity. Using one of those grabber-claw children's toys, the dark man reached over and stole the bag. This shocked everyone, because those grabbers aren't more than four feet long at most, and the man wasn't more than two yards away. Once he had childishly stolen the ancient children's plaything with a more modern child's plaything, the man politely returned the grabber to the more modern child he had borrowed it from. Then he cackled loudly. The child slowly backed away, while the other three just stared in consternation.
Greg spoke first. "I still get paid," he told Dr. Leo.
"The bear's right over there!" Leo said, while point at the dark man no more than ten feet from him. "Just grab it back!"
"Can't," said Greg. "It's his now". Greg knew there was nothing he could do, thanks to an obscure Greenlandian law. The law stated that anyone over the age of twenty-one, who could steal anything with a child's plaything, such as the grabber, was granted immediate ownership of the item he stole, both legally and philosophically. The law was based on the principle that anyone who managed to do this was obviously the total superior of whoever he stole from, and therefore the rightful owner of whatever he stole.
In any case, Greg couldn't argue with legal philosophy. He told Leo as much, adding, "at least, not on an empty wallet." Leo begrudgingly wrote out a check, but by the time Greg was paid, the dark man was gone. This was mostly because Greg had insisted on cashing the check before he gave chase. Now two days later, Dr. Leo was frustrated beyond belief.
"Now we'll never catch the guy," he griped.
But Greg knew just the place to look.

"East Windsor, NJ," Greg announced as he, Ella, and Dr. Leo got off the bus. "Good to be home"
In the rain Greg and Leo pulled out umbrellas, but not until after Greg's skillful delay, which caused Ella's white blouse and skirt to become totally drenched. Of all the skills Greg had acquired over his private investigation career, this was one that he was especially fond of. His delay complete, Greg politely offered his umbrella to the wet clothes around breasts which were attached to Ella, saying, "Here you go, wet clothes... er, breasts... er, Ella." Before she could say anything, though, Greg flashed Ella his quick grin, and everything was smoothed over.
Dr. Leo wasn't quite the ladies man that Greg was. Nearly the opposite, in fact.
"Err... anyway," said an uncomfortable Leo, "hadn't we better fondle... er, phone the police?"
Ella slapped him.

A few minutes later, the trio had arrived at Greg's office, accompanied by Captain Dan, the chief of police. Greg asked him if anything unusual had occurred while he was away.
"Yes," Dan replied dryly. "You weren't here. Seriously, though, one thing still still puzzles me. What makes you think the bear is in East Windsor?"
"Follow my logic," Greg began. "When looking for something, it’s always in the last place you look. The last place I would try and hide the bear from me would be here, since I live here. So we're checking first, and going from there." The group genuinely accepted his logic. You should too.
"Okay, since you put it that way," said Dan, utterly convinced, "There was one glaring detail. This giant boulder rolled over the factory district the other day. Witnesses say it was humming what sounded like a theme song."
"Yep, this is the last place I expected to find Matt," said Ella, who hadn't said anything for a while, and was beginning to feel left out.
"Who?" asked Dan and Leo as one.
"Never mind," said Greg. "You had to be there."
"Okay," asked Leo, "where should we look first?"
"GREG'S PANTS!" Ella blurted enthusiastically.
"Yeah, that's the last place I'd expect to find the teddy bear," Greg said. "If you'll excuse us..."
Dan nodded, and led a confused Dr. Leo out to the police station. They closed the door just before Greg's bearless pants collided with it.

Greg and Ella walked into the police station four hours later, each wearing the other's underwear. You could tell from their expressions that Greg wasn't used to wearing a thong, and Ella's skin-tight jeans felt a tad, well, tight on her bare skin. Dan and Leo pretended not to notice.
"I guess you didn't find the bear," said Dan.
Leo, who was a little slow, said "Obviously."
"Not for lack of trying," added Ella.
Greg took a moment to relax in the glory of superfluous sex before falling into another plot hole. He and Dan appeared, in a warehouse, guns drawn, behind some plain wooden crates. Leo was nowhere to be seen, but Ella was tied to a chair, wearing a quasi-futuristic, yet entirely sexy prisoner outfit. She was seated in the center of the room, with the crates in a circle around her. Next to her was a table of stuffed animals. It was an impressive collection, with specimen including the Polar Bear of the Ages to the Great Duck of Time. The hard to find collection of McDonald's Beanie Babies were present, as was Greg's childhood teddy bear, Hebert (That's the French, pronounced A-Bear). Greg had named him as a child. When asked what to call the bear, Greg answered, with a nearly perfect French accent, "Hebert." Some claimed he had meant "A bear," because that's what it was, but really, Greg was just a natural, cunning linguist.
Greg was rudely interrupted from his trip down memory lane by a poke from Captain Dan. Greg looked up to see a dark man, floating, the same one he had seen earlier.
"Greetings, gentlemen," he said, apparently to Greg and Dan. "You needn't hide." He hit a button on the machine all the stuffed animals were resting on and the row of boxes suddenly vanished.
Surprised, Greg and Dan aimed their guns at the dark man. "Now, now, it's not polite to point," said the man, and with another flick of a switch, their guns had vanished. In another flick, Greg and Dan were tied to chairs.
"How are you doing this?!" asked Greg, who was feeling like Dr. Leo usually did: perplexed and angry.
The dark man stood and began his story: "My name is Dr. Oh-my-god-im-dying-get-the-doctor. I was named with my father's dying breath. I'm not upset, though; in fact, the fact that his last word was 'doctor' lead me to my present vocation. The fact that he died in a hospital without anyone trying to save him inspired me to hate mankind. That's why I created... The Plot Device!"
Dr. Oh-my-god-im-dying-get-the-doctor filled the silent pause by turning a switch causing both applause and lightning, a great effect. He continued. "With it, I can alter the very fabric of space and time! It's powered by the energies of these stuffed animals: the time bending power of the duck; the life altering power of the polar bear; the immense wallet-draining power of the beanie babies; and of your bear, Greg, well, Hebert possesses some of your, how shall I say, essence."
"Yeah, I may have spilled some of my personal cologne on it." Essence of Greg was available at JCPenney's.
"Don't mock me!" The doctor triggered more lightning, and said "Do you realize how long it took me to build this machine?"
"Well," Greg guessed, "apart from the trip to Greenland, and two days to actually build the machine, I'd say about two hours on eBay."
"Wrong!" shouted the doctor. "It was three years!!"
"Oh."
"Now you shall pay for your insolence, as all humanity shall pay!" The doctor flicked a switch, and suddenly the room had been replaced with a giant tank filled with robot sharks. Greg, Dan, and Ella were suspended above the tank, by a strand of licorice of all things. "When I flick this switch, the licorice will be eaten by a monkey, and you shall fall to your doom. First, though, I'd like to tell you all my evil plan..."
While the doctor revealed the details of his plan, Greg's mind was racing. It went something like this: "Breasts we've sex got ass to sex get tits out Ella of Hebert (What's that doing there?) here pussy... A-hah!"
The Plot Device had been affecting the subspace plot lines in the surrounding area. In a matter of hours, the plot lines of the whole planet would be ruined. One of these ruined plot lines allowed Greg to understand this, and how they could escape. While the doctor continued to explain his plan, Greg removed Ella's thong from his pants, again through altered plot lines. Like a rubber band, it shot toward the machine...
And missed.
"Damn," Greg thought. "Well, lets try this again." With ultra-skilled hands, Greg was able to remove Ella's bra in just three seconds. The one part of the maneuver he hadn't learned, though, was how to do it without removing her shirt. So the topless Ella, along with a flabbergasted Dan, watched as Greg fired the elastic brassier at the Plot Device.
With one strike, three things happened.
First, the pool and sharks disappeared.
Second, the heroic, and sometimes topless, trio, were safe on the ground.
Third, the theme song to this story began playing. It was this third thing that finally distracted Dr. Oh-my-god-im-dying-get-the-doctor, but not in time for him to move out of Matt's way. Matt then rolled, a little more satisfied, over to Greg and his companions.
"Thanks, Matt," said Greg. Ella and Dan were too struck by the boulder's outstanding good looks (even for a boulder, I mean he was really in shape: round) and his impeccable sense of timing.
"Don't mention it," said Matt. He rolled away, still humming to himself. "I just wanna keep rolling, rolling, rolling BAAA."
"Well, that was odd," said Dan.
"Yeah," said Ella, "oddly arousing." She had a look about her, not to mention her toplessness, that made Greg agree.
"Work before pleasure, my dear," Greg said, "but there will be pleasure. First, we have to set everything back to normal." A few clicks accomplished this. "Second, Dan, a gift for you." A few more clicks, and Dan's lovely wife appeared, ready to keep him company during the coming celebration. "And finally, I'll make sure this never does anyone any harm again." A few clicks sent the plot device, and all its damaging plot holes, to a random point in space. Then Greg's group, alone in the warehouse, began celebrating...

Life was emerging; sentient life. The microbial Spartithrax, as they had deemed themselves fifteen seconds ago, were pleased to see that all their sentience had finally paid off, in the form of the plot device. Obviously the product of Spartithrax-kind’s hard work and inginuity, the device represented the accomplishments of minutes of the species hour-long existence. The overjoyed microbes began flicking what switches their tiny single-celled bodies could, and they had just formed multi-celled tissues in an effort to better use their new device, when music started.
While the majority believed it to be glorious music of triumph, the more musically inclined Spartithraxians had decided it seemed more like a theme song. They had little time to debate, however, as they were quickly crushed by an even more satisfied Matt, who somehow managed to roll even in the void of space. Matt, having no use for a plot device, paid it no mind as he destroyed it, and shouted triumphantly, "I keep rolling, rolling, rolling."

The End