Wascally Tewwowist

Five years ago I had a shot at capturing Usama bin Ladin. Five years ago I let him slip through my fingers. I have regretted it ever since.

My friend and I were riding the bus home, talking as usual, and he tells me about Usama bin Ladin. This is in '99 or 2000, mind you, before every American was familiar with the map of the middle east, when the towers still stood, when September 11th was no different from March 8th. I had never heard about him back then, so I asked. It turns out, he was a six-and-a-half-foot-tall Arabian on a dialasis machine. How hard could he be to find? And the best part - $2,000,000,000 reward. That's right, a two billion dollar reward. Man, what was I thinking. Save the free world, AND get oodles of cash. Technically, I woulda had to split it with my friend, but that's still a clean one billion dollar reward.

I've often thought about what I would do with a considerable sum of money. Despite the temptation to blow it all on something stupid, I'd save a bunch of it. I'm 20. I plan to live to be 100. Let's say $200,000 a year to make me happy. That's a 16 million dollar chunk stashed away. $984 million to go. Hrmm... I think that's MORE than enough to supply me forever. I'd have a big house, prolly in the hills of Austin, actually, because I like the climate, and the proximity to the tech center. Plus, my family lives there. Hmm.. I'd also want a private jet. I'd learn how to fly it, of course. Cruise Liner, also. Some people get yachts; I want the Titanic. I'd need to fill out my Transformers collection. I'm basically working with unlimited funds, it seems, so I've stopped worrying. I'd get a big screen TV set up, and not one that would break. In fact, I'd probably have my whole house wired up so that everything was computerized. That's always a fun thing to do. I dunno, I think that'd do it. A T3 line to my house. A huge movie liner. I'd prolly donate a bunch to charity. I'd have enough money to give money to whoever I felt like. I'd prolly be nice to a buncha friends, but not overly generous, and I'd donate a lot to different world governments I like. I'd be a philanthropist. Prolly invest a good deal in businesses. There, that seem's like a good amount. I've spent a billion dollars.

Trouble is, the amount was a bit wrong. I found this site listing his figures and such. It seems I'd only get $27 million, and even then only if I got him alone. Hrmm... I'm too lazy to redo all my wants and such. I'd prolly have to keep working anyway, though. *Sigh* You win this time, bin Ladin. This time...

Also, The Rock was on the Daily Show, and among other things, they mentioned the Doom movie. I was excited about it, until I remembered that old issue of Penny Arcade. I hope they're wrong. They'd better have Mars Hell Demons or else...