Vegetarianism

Today I made a startling revelation: I can never become a vegetarian (let alone vegan). Here's why. I love meat. Sammiches are the best. Subway is a weekly ritual for me. Except for poultry, which I just don't care for, any meat is good in my book. So, if I tried to go without it, I would go into withdrawal. I would start to try and stalk people who had hoagies.

Luckily, I think I have enough self control to leave them be, and just have some cheese or something, but eventually, something would snap, and I'd need some meat. RIGHT THEN. I couldn't wait to make a sandwich or something, and I'd revert to my primal instincts. I would eat a person. Worse yet, it would be someone I know very well. It couldn't be a stranger, because I don't know where they've been, and I'm not going to put them in my mouth. And it couldn't be an enemy of mine, because I don't have any of those. So it'd have to be a friend. Probably a girl, because I don't think I could fight a guy into eating position, unless I snuck up on him.

So, now that I've eaten a girl, a friend I once liked, I have to continue trying to act like it never happened. My friends would start asking questions. "What happened to Bethany?" they'd ask. And I'd have to respond with "I ate her" (because I'm a terrible liar) and hope they take it as a joke. But they wouldn't. They'd say, "You mean you ate her OUT?" And then the conversation would go very awkward for a few seconds, before I had to eat my other friend, too. Plus any witnesses who happened to be near by, or anyone who looked tasty.

So here-in lies the problem. I'm a skinny guy, and I'd be full after the first person or two. So, you see, it just wouldn't work.