What Do I Do?

What do you do when you've hurt the one girl you truly care about? Is there a worse feeling in the world than the knowledge that she's in pain, terrible pain, and not only is there nothing you can do to make it better, but you're the cause of the pain?

I didn't set out to hurt her. If I'd been thinking, if I'd known, I wouldn't have done it. But then, it's not like I had to think that hard to realize how my action was going to affect her. I keep trying to tell myself that it was an accident, that I wasn't doing it to her on purpose. And I wasn't, for sure. I'd never intentionally set out doing something to hurt her. But that doesn't forgive what I did. Nothing does. Nothing makes it right.

So here I am. I've got this great big WRONG sitting between me and her. I love her. She loves me. But is that enough? Is that all our relationship needs? I'd like to be my usual romantic self and say yeah, that's all it takes and our love can weather anything and so on and so forth, but I seriously don't know. I've been a dumbass about this time and time again, and every time I thought I had it licked, and then I turned around and did dumb shit again. I don't have any excuse. Maybe I'm socially retarded or something. Maybe I'm a jackass and just refuse to admit it to myself. I don't want to be. I truly care about her so much, and I don't want to hurt her, ever. I have that voice in the back of my head that the best solution right now is to leave her, to let her move on, and move on myself. But I don't want to do that. And I don't think she does either. I want to be with her right now, and it kills me that I can't. She told me that right now, she wants to be held. By anyone. Does that mean I should let her? Should I tell her to just get lost and find some nice guy who won't cheat on her, and be happy with him? I don't want to. I want to be that guy. I don't know if I can, but I honestly want to.

I've cheated on her, and I didn't tell her because of course it would eat her alive, but when she caught me, I confessed, and whenever I DID tell her things, I told her the truth. I realize its small consolation, but I like to think that even though my actions are terrible, my words, and more importantly my soul, are hers, and always have been hers, and always will be hers, as long as she wants it. I'm gonna beg and plead for another chance even though I know I don't deserve the ones I've gotten so far, but the fact of the matter is that she's got to make the final decision in all this. I can hope for a happy ending, but I'm gonna respect what she chooses.

Jackie, if you've read this, either give me a call or text me or whatever, let me know what's up. I love you.

I love you.