A World Of Human Wreckage

Heh. Did I show you guys this link about a method of waking up and not feeling tired? You set your music to play quietly for about an hour or so before you have to get up, and keep the alarm as a last ditch emergency thing. It seemed like a good idea, so I decided to give it a shot. I set my music to go off at 8AM since my classes all start at 9 or 930, and Matt's alarm always goes off fifteen minutes before class starts, which is plenty of time to get ready and go. So, this morning, I got woken up a little harshly by the beep of my music popping on, and I thought, well, it's only 8, my class isn't for an hour and a half, and there's nothing else for me to do between now and then anyway, so I'll just go back to sleep and take an hour nap, and let Matt's alarm wake me up.

Matt's alarm didn't go off. He didn't have class today. X_X. The good news is, the class I slept through was chemistry, and so all I missed was a review of last nights test, but yeah, I'm switching my music alarm back 15 minutes, and from now on, I'll stay up when I hear it.

Okay, so that's what I've been doing this morning. Now for the rough part. Why haven't I written since Monday? I'm sure none of you care, really. Who besides me honestly checks live bookmarks more than once a day? But yeah, I haven't been putting out blogs as much as I'd like. I wish I could just blame it on my vampire story. I've recently decided that that would be a good festive one to put up on Halloween, but to begin with I was thinking I'd write it out Monday afternoon and post it that night. Then I hit a writing block. Namely, I was having trouble with tenses and perspectives. Remember when I wrote the twin stories of Conflict? Both of them in first-person present tense? Basically internal monologues, I guess. That's what I'm doing with this one, only I'm having trouble moving back into a past-tense voice when he's discussing a past event. Sigh....

But yeah, that's what I wish I could blame it on. Really, though... I've been having issues with my girlfriend. Namely, I'm not sure I want to be her boyfriend anymore. Don't get me wrong, she's a nice girl and all, and I still wanna be her friend, but I've lately come to the unfortunate epiphany that I'm with her more often than not because she want's me there, and the only reason I agree is because I don't want her to get upset that I'm not there. It's almost become a chore I do simply because not doing it is more of a hassle than doing it. And really, that's not what I want out of my relationship. Spending time with my girlfriend shouldn't be the lesser of two evils. It should be something I do because I enjoy it. And if it's not, then, I really don't want to be lying to her and myself about it. I really want to want to be with her. It's all highly confusing, and sometimes I just wish I had someone I could talk to about it that was somewhat impartial about it. I tried talking about it with her, which helped a little really, but it's still too close to the core problem for me to really feel better. And I tried talking to Mike, who's pretty much adopted Jackie as his sister, who threatened to kill me if I hurt her, which I felt was going to happen either way really, so no help there. X_X I dunno. I just need more time to think, I guess. Or talk, if you're up for it. No pressure.

Yeah, right. You all know I'm a fucking manipulative bastard. I'll say just the right thing to get you to make me feel better, and I don't care half the time. The other half, yeah, I care, and I make myself feel better by being more manipulative. I don't fucking trust myself to be honest. Is that good?

x_x